Soon after I learned that I had landed a job (in june), the news came that I would be teaching 12th grade, of all ages!  I have never been so nervous in my life.  I am a whopping 24 years old, and most of my students would be at least 17.  From June until August I worried… I thought of everything that could go wrong.  I went from the anxiety of unemployment, to another anxiety, employment.

I have been teaching government for 17 weeks now, and I don’t think I have ever learned so much about life, human nature, how to treat people, what people really need (although they would never ask for it), and so much about who I am (and who God is making me).

I love my students, like they were my own kids… and I am only 7 years older than most of them.  Other than my husband and my family, I have never loved people so much in my life.  Isn’t that nuts?  I worry about them when they are not at school, I pray for them continuously, I tell them I am thankful for them (because not many of them hear that anywhere else), and I have never fought so hard in my life to teach truth. I know I will cry when I see most of them graduate… and I will pray for them, that along their journey on Earth, they will come into contact with people who love Jesus, and that their lives would be transformed.

I am able to have over-abundant love for them only because of Jesus.

Jesus first loved me.  Jesus sought me out when I was his enemy.  I wouldn’t know how to love others without his example and leadership.  Because Jesus saved me, I am an adopted child of God.  Because I am an adopted child of God, God disciplines me.  Because God disciplines me, I know he loves me.  And through his example and through the continuous change in me, I am able to take his love and pour it on others.

I have never felt the Holy Spirit within me so much as I do at my job.  He really leads me through every minute.  In my speech, in my actions, in my teaching, in prayers as the day progress, in my moments of despair.  I have hope that a lot of my students do not.  Some of them would say they don’t know what hope is.  But the spirit leads me to love them, to cherish their lives as eternal, to discipline them when they need it, to tell them they are loved when they need it, and to sternly give them structure they would never ask for.  The spirit gives me the strength everyday to go to my job.  And then on Saturdays such as this one, my body is tired and worn.

But I wouldn’t change it.  I am constantly reminded that Jesus is the only hope, he is the only strength, he is the only light, he is our only chance at joy and life.

My employment has changed my life.  And my daily prayer is that because I am employed where I am, that Jesus is changing other’s lives.  That maybe, their lives would be changed eternally… that just maybe, they would experience hope and life, that they didn’t know existed.

This year has been a whirlwind.  I literally have had 1 hour a week of freetime, and I usually used that time to take a nap.  Boring, I know.

My internship is over, and now all I have left between myself and freedom is 6 hours of graduate class that is over on July 1.  What lies ahead in freedom?  Unemployment.  As of right now that is.

Unemployment (when desperately seeking employment) pulls out many emotions in people, and many of those emotions are naturally woven into our flesh.  Natural feelings like anger, bitterness, resentment, jealousy, rage, gossip, etc… are very common in those people who cannot find a job.  I can tell you that those feelings are my natural tendency.  I hear of people getting hired left and right, and its not a good feeling.  Feelings of doubt and uneasiness start to creep in.  The enemy can easily lie to me and tell me I am not good enough.  Unemployment sucks.

BUT… unemployment also forces Christians to trust, wait upon the Lord, be content with what we have, get creative about date nights and grocery shopping, etc.  If you choose to believe that the Lord is soveriegn over your life, then unemployment starts to look a little different.

I have had to face facts in a lot of ways through not having a job yet:

1. I am not in control.

2. Although God placed me in my internship year teaching high school, that may have been for a purpose entirely outside of the career realm.  He might have me at McDonalds next year serving people hamburgers and telling those folks about Jesus.

3. I need to learn patience and trust.  Just because God has not delivered yet, doesn’t mean he isn’t going to.

4. My time is not God’s time.

5.  My life isn’t about me.  If it was, I would be in a really bad spot.

I was reminded this morning of a passage out of Brother Yun’s book “The Heavenly Man” (if you have not read it, please do… your christian walk will take on new meaning). Brother Yun was placed in prison because he was spreading the gospel of Jesus Christ in communist China… and he wasn’t going to stop.  The passage I was reminded of was given by him as he was interrogated about his faith in a Chinese prison.

Quotations”There are many people who need Jesus. I will be in this prison for exactly the length of time God has determined. I won’t leave one moment early and I won’t stay one moment too long. When God determines my ministry in prison is complete, I will come out.”

How powerful is his faith in God?  He was stuck in a nasty prison, with men who had given their life over to crime, and these are his words.  God did not have him working in a factory supporting his family, but in a prison where there were divine appointments.  Brother Yun told everyone about Jesus, and many men were transformed.  Thats where God had him, and Brother Yun did not ask questions.

I don’t say this to exclaim that I am going to prison for the gospel, but I am saying that where we are in life is in God’s control.  If I do not have a job right now, its ok.  I will teach the kids and work with the staff that God has placed in his will for my life.  And who knows, maybe there will be several divine appointments…

Please check of Heavenly Man- it really is an encouraging story about how God changes lives supernaturally.

Find it on Amazon for less the $10

So, I proceeded to make a lengthy document that I gave to each of my highschool girls which explained just a few big words (or even small ones such as holy) and where they were found in the bible.  I am not sure if I added this big word, but it sure has been on my heart a lot lately: sanctification. Whew.

Sanctification.  What a big bible word.  But what a big deal sanctification is.  Right now, I am more thankful for this word and its application in my life than I could write on this blog.  I stole this definition from biblegateway.com for lack of better words: Sanctification is the process by which the Holy Spirit shapes us into more holy and Christlike people. It’s a natural part of a Christian’s growth in spiritual maturity.

When I think of sanctification my heart jumps because its the real life proof that I am changing.  Like John Newton said,

I am not what I ought to be — ah, how imperfect and deficient! I am not what I wish to be — I abhor what is evil, and I would cleave to what is good! I am not what I hope to be — soon, soon shall I put off mortality, and with mortality all sin and imperfection. Yet, though I am not what I ought to be, nor what I wish to be, nor what I hope to be, I can truly say, I am not what I once was; a slave to sin and Satan; and I can heartily join with the apostle, and acknowledge, “By the grace of God I am what I am.”

Because of the Lord’s work in my life, I have been able to see tremendous growth and change.  I know this may not interest anyone, but there may be someone out there thats new at this being a christian thing, and its always so refreshing to see how God has changed someone.  Here are a list of things that just pop in my head, that are so obvious to me the work of sanctification in my life, and I praise God, Jesus, and the Holy spirit for these:

• Up until my junior year in college my favorite genre of movie was horror.  I loved scaring myself rotten.  Now I cannot touch a horror film because the Holy Spirit has shown me the evilness of what I put in my mind, and the invitation I am sending out for the spirit of fear to surround me.
• When I was 19, I went to Memphis in May and saw one of my favorite artists, Three 6 Mafia.  There lyrics were comical to me.   I now despise Three 6 Mafia and cannot listen to 10 seconds of them without feeling like I am being stepped on (weird as that sounds).
• When I was in highschool I did not see the point of spending alone time with God, now I cannot live without it.
• Up until a few years ago I did  not pray often.  Now I pray at almost every chance I can get.  I feel the Holy Spirit lay something on my heart at different times during the day, and I just stop whatever I am thinking about and pray immediately.

Those are just a very few real life applications of sanctification in my life.

On the contrary to change, today I was reminded, in the car on the way to teach, randomly, of how much pride is my thorn.  Paul talks about a thorn in his flesh in 2 cor. 12:7 which states, “To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me.“

My thorn is so obviously pride.  Pride inhibits me daily from doing the things I should be, and debilitates me if I let it go unchecked.  I forget it sometimes, because I am not allowing myself to see me for who I really am.  Pride is what frustrates me the most.  Its what I cannot stand about myself.  Its what makes me want free from my body (among a list of others).

So all this to say, I can see the fruit of the Holy Spirit in my life, and its refreshing to know that I will not stay how I am in this moment.  The thought that I cling to is that I am not who I was yesterday, and for that I am so thankful.

This comment infused more anger and sadness in me than I can ever stand to tell you.  Someone posted this comment, taken word for word from WBIR’s website, “I hope these animals do not find Christ in prison. I hope whoever spawned these animals do not find Christ. I believe there is a special place in hell for these defense attorneys. I am aware that everyone is “due” counsel, but to twist and lie and do EVERYTHING they can to get this monster back on the street? UNCONSCIONABLE!!!!!!!!!!!!! Dear God – I would rather He take whatever blessings he has stored for me and give to these victims families for just a modicum of peace.”

Now let me say first, that I understand, and so will you if you read about these murders, that what happened to Christian and Newsom is terrifying, induces anger from anyone who hears, and makes you want to vomit when you hear that humans are capable of this (lets know forget historical murders as well in this… Hitler…).  But, to say that you hope people do not come to know Christ?!  To say you hope their parents do not ever know Christ?!  To say this, is a tragedy.  Because to say this, is to absolutely show that you do not know what grace is, or who we are apart from our Savior (those of you who are saved by grace through faith in Jesus).

What these men did does not make them any worse in God’s eyes than myself, before Jesus captured my heart.  In human eyes and by human standards of course there is a difference in myself and the people who are guilty of this crime, but in God’s eyes we are all more evil than these murders.  We are EVIL.  I can honestly say, and I believe 100% that in my nature there is nothing different that separates me from them, except that I rely on Jesus to sanctify me and make me what I am not by my nature.

And then there is GRACE.  No one deserves grace.  And contrary to what the person said above, there is no bias in who receives grace.  Nothing, let me repeat, nothing, that we do will ever merit grace, EVER.  We all deserve hell.  No one deserves Jesus’ blood offering.  And to discriminate that between people who live “good-ok lives” than those who commit horrific crimes is to not understand grace.  I thank God daily for Grace, because I did nothing to receive it.  That is why I pray that the men who were involved in the murder know the same grace that I do, and put their hope in Jesus Christ.

To say anything other than this, is to mistake grace for merit.  Not only this, but it is to say we know better than the Lord God Almighty.  He chooses, for his glory.  He knows what evil we are capable of, but so much more than that, he knows how he can use us for his glory in this life after we have been ransomed by Christ.

This may be extremely offensive to some people.  That’s fine.  But if you are offended after reading that you are no different than these men, I beg you to read your bible and see that we are all evil beings.  Since Adam, we are fallen creatures, and the wages of sin is death.  These men will suffer no more in death in hell than the person who sits next to you at work who does not know Christ.  Because they are no different.

This is my prayer:

Lord, God, Savior, Spirit… I praise you for your tender mercy, your grace, and your love for me.  I lift up the men who commited these crimes, Jesus, that you would reveal yourself to them, that they may know your grace, your tender mercy, and your love for them.  I pray that you wash their souls clean from the unrighteousness that they have born their whole lives… as I pray you do with myself.  Lord, I ask that you always remind me of my unrighteousness apart from you, of my evil sinful deeds, and of my constant need for your grace.  I pray, Spirit, that you will surround the Christian family and the Newsom family, so that they may know your comfort and security.  I lift them up to you Jesus, that you may also make yourself known to them in their deep time of need.  Lord, I pray that you will show them your sovereignty and love for them.

I hope as Christians we will go, as Jesus told us to, and spread his grace to anyone and everyone ( I am speaking to myself, because I do this too little).  We should be praying for people who do not know Jesus Christ, because the reality is, wouldn’t we want them praying for us if we were in their position, lost and hopeless?  Everyone, including myself, should watch our tongues and thoughts when things anger us such as this case… because we should always be a witness to Jesus’ grace, no matter what the occasion.

So last night we got a phone call from our dear friends, The Halls (a big shout out to Pete and Jen), about going to dinner at this place “Little Havana” downtown.  Of course we went… and after 3 hours of waiting, we got our delicious food.  Long story short, their chef decided to not show up last night (a busy Friday night I might add), and so the head waiter was cooking the food (and was pretty darn good at it).

Was it worth the wait?  I dont know that I would say that, but I did LOVE my food.  It was delicious!!  And thankfully we were with good friends, so the time did not slug along.  Oh and, the mojitos were delicious!! Best I’ve ever had, and free, since our meal took hours to make.

I highly recommend this place… its right next to Nama downtown on Gay st.

Its delicious

With Jenny at the wedding

Pete is in there somewhere (Top Row, Right)

In the Screwtape Letters, C. S. Lewis says, “There are two equal and opposite errors into which our race about the devils.  One is disbelief in their existence.  The other is to believe, and to feel, an excessive and unhealthy interest in them.” I believe his statement to be so true.

Within the past year, there have been things in a few of my friends lives that were unexplainable without looking at this subject.  I’ve started to really think about it, and seek out sermons that deal with this subject, because I believe the subject can so easily turn into a place of deception.

About six months ago I started listening to podcasts  published by Mars Hill Church in Seattle.  I like to follow different pastors and Mark Driskol has become on of them.  I enjoy his insight… he is very humble and really loves Jesus.

So I stumbled upon his series, in 4 parts about spiritual warfare.  I listened to it piece by piece, just having finished in yesterday on the way home from the beach.  If you have never studied about demons and Satan, this series will blow you away.  Not in a bad way, but it helps you to become what the bible calls “alert” to the schemes of the devil.

Just as I started maturing as a believer in my adulthood have I started to understand some of the schemes of the devil.  In my moments of vulnerability I often hear lies, that so often as a teenager I chose to believe and became self pityed.  Instead now I can hear the voice of my shepherd through the lies of the deceiver.  It is only through reading my bible, knowing scripture, and being surrounded by other believers that I have been able to understand that there are influences in this world that I cannot see.

I am linking one of the parts to his lecture on spiritual warfare.  He has posted lecture notes as well that I found extremely helpful.  I encourage you to listen to all these lectures, because it will help you be alert, and ready when attacks come your way.

It is too easy a lie to believe that Satan does not attack us.  He does, in so many ways.

UPDATE ON AN OLD POST:

I also am posting something that Mark Driskol said about The Shack, which is a post I wrote a long time ago after reading the book.  You can find that post at this link…. The Shack.

Posted in Jesus' Glory ]]> http://bbsayshello.wordpress.com/2009/08/04/do-you-ever-wonder-about-spiritual-warfare/feed/ 1 britt cudzilo http://bbsayshello.wordpress.com/2009/07/25/a-new-blog-in-addition-to-this-lovely-site/ http://bbsayshello.wordpress.com/2009/07/25/a-new-blog-in-addition-to-this-lovely-site/#comments Sat, 25 Jul 2009 16:53:13 +0000 britt cudzilo http://bbsayshello.wordpress.com/2009/07/25/a-new-blog-in-addition-to-this-lovely-site/ ]]> I have just created a new blog. Its called history happens and you should check it out.

Follow the link:  http://historyhappens.wordpress.com

Also… in addition (which is apparently the word of the hour) I wrote a blog a long time ago about history, my love of it, and how I connect it to my love for Jesus Christ… that link is History and the Grace of Jesus Christ.

May 15, 2009.

What a day it was!  With months in the making, continuous planning and lots of cha-ching going out the window… the day went nothing like it was supposed to.  But I rejoice because I am Mrs. Cudzilo and have already been taught so many things from marriage… and its only been 2 months!

So… for those of you who have not seen many pictures… I give you… my gallery of my most favorite.

So…. So many pictures!  I wish I could put all of them up!  But I cannot because it has taken too much time!  Marriage is great!  It is my vision for this blog (and for my life) to remain transparent… so I will admit that it is harder than I had imagined… but it is a good hard.  Those of you who are married will understand that.  Although there are hard moments, there is so much joy present!

I became a christian when I was 9.  I professed my belief in Jesus Christ at Vacation Bible School after my friend Lisa tole me that she was going to.  I guess Lisa gave me the courage to walk in front of everyone and say that I was a follower of Jesus Christ.

I believe without any doubt that I knew Jesus then, and before I walked in front of everyone, but my mind and maturity did not understand why I needed a Savior then.  I was 9, but I really loved Jesus, and I knew that I was supposed to let him lead my life.

My grandfather baptized me, which was so special, and as I spiritually matured we developed a special bond over talking and studying about Jesus.  We both were drawn to the soveriegnty and power of God, his grace and mercy, but also his justice.  Granddad and I would love to sit around and talk about Revelation because so much of God’s personality is found in that book.

As I grew older I became involved with the youth group at the church my family went to, and I really valued the friendships that were created there.  There was no shame in talking about Jesus, although I look back now seeing that we talked about him too little.  In small talk we just did not go deep with each other.

I was told as a senior in high school that most kids who venture off to college trade their faith in Jesus for partying or intellectual banter but I always believed that I would not be one of those people.  I just loved Jesus too much to trade him in for something as worldly as intellect and parties.

Well… I have found that if you say there is no way that you will ever __________ (fill in the blank)… then you have too much pride in yourself to carry it out.  I thought I could control myself to the upmost extreme.  I did not see God’s strength as something that I needed, because in my mind, I was not weak.  So, from the foreshadowing of this paragraph, you will be able to infer that I became one of those people.

I never stopped loving Jesus, I just stopped depending on him.  I would go to parties and tell everyone that I just wanted water… which only lasts so long.  The world slowly crept in, and there I was… weak and desiring what everyone else had… lots of friends… and lots of booze.

Booze is a funny thing and its effects on me were more than outrageous. I remember talking about Jesus a lot when I had too much to drink, and I have no explanation why.  Maybe I just thought about him a lot, maybe it was the Holy Spirit, or maybe I felt guilty for my actions and needed a way to justify myself.  Any way it was… I was still living in sin.  SO much sin that I could not even see it.

Then after 8 months of habital sin, my Pops (grandfather) had a stroke… and then another… and it was apparent that he was going downhill fast.   I was having a really hard time.  I was away at school and he was at home.  The day before Thanksgiving I was getting in my car to drive home when I got the phone call from my mom that Pops was in the hospital again.  He had Parkinsons Disease, and with that came a struggle for his mind, because it was slowly detiorating.  What seemed to be just a mix up with his medication turned into his fight with dementia, which is a terrible disease.  Two weeks later, the night before my exams at MTSU, Pops died.  I was stuck… I was at MTSU with friends who did not understand, and 4 exams to take the following day.

It was then that God extended his grace to me.  In the midst of my sin, and my blatant ignoring of him, that he said, “Enough.”  My grief was overwhelming, for my grandfather and for my actions.  That car ride home was probably one of the worst times of my life.

I came back to school, and I had consequences for all the sin I had lived in.  My friends did not see things the way I did, and while living with 3 other women I became miserable.  I need encouragement, uplifting, someone who wanted to talk about Jesus and really live the life that he has called his people to live.  I was desperate.

Ever since this time I have studied, and grown, matured, been sanctified, sinned somemore but with strong conviction that what I was/am doing is wrong.  I have learned to appreciate so much more what the cross means, who Jesus is, and why I believe that he is the only hope for our fallen world.

Jesus.  Sweet, stern, obedient, submissive Savior.  The son of God, who submitted to God, which is also himself, and took of the wrath of God so that I would not have to.  Wow.  That my unrighteous self could be considered righteous is something that my mind cannot fully wrap around.

My stance is: Jesus is the way (To God), the truth (about God), and the life (in this dead world).  No one can reach the Father except through Jesus.

Why believe this? Why not say like many people do, that this is just a path? That other religions can lead to the same God, the same heaven?  Because it is one of the biggest deceptions this world has ever known. If you are a christian, but believe this, then why did Jesus die?? If you can reach God through your own means, then why did Jesus even live at all?

What we have to understand, and what is so hard to understand because of our flesh, is that we do not deserve to be known by God.  We are so sinful, and so evil, that without Jesus, God would be repulsed.  He cannot know sin or evil, because he is holy, set apart, the ultimate good.  We are not saved by our “moral” actions… being reasonable and a morally good person cannot get you anywhere.

My favorite illustration of this comes from my lovely Uncle, Greg Pinkner.  If a man rapes a young girl and goes before a judge… should he not be punished? But what if he said that since he did such a despictable thing that he gave up all his possessions to help the poor?  Would he then be justifed?  Think about that… because its the same with us (humans… homo sapiens).  We commit terrible sins, each day, many times without even realizing it… but can we then make it up by doing good?  Absolutely not.

To wrap this novel of a blog up… I just want to share that I have to remind myself daily that its not by my strength, deeds, or judgement that I am saved.  I was chosen by God to be his adopted daughter, and he keeps ahold of me, even in the midst of my blindness.  My prayer daily is that he will grant me the grace and the strength to talk about Jesus, and confess Jesus with my mouth so that others may know of his mercy.

Well… so life, now through the eyes of Brittany Cudzilo.  The honeymoon was great… we enjoyed relaxing.  It was a week full of naps and early bedtimes… my favorite kind of past-time… SLEEP!  Now I am in the wonderful world of graduate school, which is kicking me in the rear.  Summer School is a little intense… especially when you are no longer considered an undergraduate… boy is grad school something different.

Spiritually I have had a lot on my mind.  I feel like in the past few months I have become “spiritually passive”.  I have not made it a point to call sin like I see it, I have purposefully overlooked situations, and I have begun to serve less and less in the church.  I have been thinking a lot… and when I mention these things I get responses like, you are a newlywed, take some time off, or life is busy everyone understands… but those are lousey excuses.  Come on people!  Well… honestly, COME ON BRITTANY!  If Christ is the most important thing to me, my top priority like I say he is… should the overflow of that, not be service to his body of believers, my brothers and sisters… or future brothers and sisters (in some people’s circumstance, Hallelujah)?

Sometimes it is so frustrating, because it feels like 20 percent of the people in the church are doing 90 percent of the work… because when you are in that 20 percent, people know they can count on you, they expect you to help… and you get worn thin because there are only a set few who are willing.  But now I am in that 80 percent who are not doing a dang thing.  YOU ALL SHOULD BE FRUSTRATED AT ME!  I get frustrated at you… I’ll admit it. I do.

This is not an excuse, because there is no excuse… its just my thoughts.  Life is busy… and I do not want it to be… Life is crazy, and sometimes I am just seeking some calmness… but the busyness and the craziness should never take the place of fulfilling your place in the body of Christ.  I am just trying to figure out what that looks like.  Ben and I both have a community group and go the the church service every Sunday, which takes up “Church” time.  That leaves no room to serve in the church on Sunday mornings.  We would only go to community group half the time, but then that would result in the lack of relationships that we need in our married life.  I cannot just not go to school all week long… and I cannot neglect my husband.  Now I am just rambling.

So… my most recent prayer and deep desire is to study Paul.  Paul is not nearly as important as Jesus, but Paul is a sinner just like myself.  I am sure Paul could have figured out the excuses he could use to justify to himself the lack of the need for his service.  I understand that just because Paul lived 1900 years ago does not mean that life back then was oversimplified… he could have found numerous excuses.  But that fact is… he didn’t.  He fought that fleshy selfish desire of excuses.  He served… he sacrificed his life, because Jesus sacrificed his.

Where does that leave me?  Not really far yet.  I am just to the point where I can claim these truths, and acknowledge that serving in the church is more important than most of the things that I do.  I enjoying serving… its just hard for me to  desire to serve when I am tired.  I guess that goes for everyone right? Someone is keeping the church up and running…

Thank you to those who are in the 20% that serve within the church body, wherever you are, and whichever church you attend.  Although I may not know you, I am thankful for you… because you are allowing yourself to be used in the kingdom of God… not to the glory of yourself (hopefully!) but to the glory of the one who shows us grace, our Savior Jesus!